It is a truth universally acknowledged that an American billionaire, in possession of sufficient fortune, must be in want of a Supreme Court justice. Nothing seems to bring billionaires so much simple joy as having a personal justice to accompany them on yacht and fishing trips, flights on their private planes and jaunts to rustic lodges where the wine was certainly not $1,000 a bottle (in Justice Samuel A. Alito’s opinion). Instead of getting upset (which is unproductive and irritates the people who decide whether we can vote and control our bodies), we need to acknowledge that people who want their own Supreme Court justices are going to get them — if they are wealthy enough. Instead of pretending that a code of ethics can prevent this, let’s find a better system so we can end all this sneaking around.
After all, we live in a capitalist country. There is clearly demand for access to the Supreme Court justices; let us figure out how to regulate the supply. Let us create a marketplace where all can compete. It’s time we allow the sponsorship of justices!
Look at the Supreme Court justices’ robes. All that wasted black space where the names of sponsors could be! Why are we pretending to have an impartial deliberative body when we could be getting rulings from an appropriately emblazoned Samuel Alito (“Brought to you by the Federalist Society”) or Brett “Michelob Ultra” Kavanaugh (“I LIKE BEER!”). And look at those SCOTUS decisions — all that wasted blank space around the margins. Let the sponsors fill it! Or better yet, have them contribute footnotes! Say $10,000 apiece; $15,000 for one with a wry joke in it.
Nobody would need to disclose anything; it would be right there in the ruling or on the robe. They would never need to recuse themselves; petitioners would just know that there would be no getting a ruling against Wilson Baseball EZ Gear (“We love a man who calls balls and strikes!”) out of Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. Also, Justice Alito could post on Facebook when he caught a big sturgeon with a billionaire friend — without worrying about whether it would be a bad look. Think of the money that Harlan Crow would save on photorealistic paintings if he could just post on social media about his favorite Justice Clarence Thomas memories. And Justice Elena Kagan could finally accept those lox that she refused years ago.