Dear Carolyn: After several decades of putting my aspirations on hold in favor of working in the comfort zone of my hometown, I have the opportunity to pursue a lifelong dream abroad.
As my mom clings to me amid my decision to move, others in my life openly express shock that I would leave in my parents’ time of need. I am racked with guilt as I stare off into a beautiful, glimmering horizon of new experiences — so close, yet so far away. What should I do?
— Drowning in the Emotional Dump
Drowning in the Emotional Dump: Don’t finish reading this, just go.
Not because your dad’s miseries are primarily his to navigate, though they are. He’s a grown man.
Not because your mom’s co-opting of you as her marriage counselor is a form of emotional abuse, though it is. She’s a grown woman.
And not because “lifelong dream” opportunity is what I think you will experience, because daily life tends to be challenging no matter what, and framing any version of it as “dream” anything sets us up for higher expectations than most real lives can meet. Moving abroad after a lifetime in your hometown and disentangling yourself from an enmeshed family while racked with self-doubt are two huge asks of anyone’s emotional resources, and just going would launch both at once. Your opportunity may deliver on every bit of its dreamy promise, and I hope it does, but I trust more that it will deliver the most satisfying, “Yay, me, I freaking did it,” moment of your life to date. (Which alone is reason to do it.)
Here’s why I’m saying “just go”: because you want to, and because none of your perceived obstacles is insurmountable morally or in fact. You are a grown person.
Your dad will have his miseries and ailments with or without you.
Your mom will deal with her soul-sucking marriage with or without you.
Your parents will retain more access to you than any one of you thinks. “Abroad” is not Mars. When you feel it’s necessary to be with your parents, for a week or forever, you can fly back. Modern technology will work seamlessly with your parents’ poor boundaries to retain you as your mom’s de facto therapist, if that’s what you want. (Pro tip: Don’t want it.)
Any deterrent to being involved in their marriage is a good one, though solo therapy for you — to learn why it’s so unhealthy and how to stop it — is probably the best.
Being involved in their care as they age is a different story and will obviously be more difficult from afar. But it could be years before this becomes an issue, assuming it ever does. Plus it’s a reason to build contingencies into your plans, not to put all your plans on hold for more decades.
Meeting others wherever you go can open your eyes, too, to new understandings of family.
Thoughtful people can disagree on why we have children: for society, for ourselves, for themselves, in service to a faith, to name a few. If it’s your core belief that you exist for your parents, then I doubt there’s any quantity of therapy that can persuade you otherwise. But if you see this as your life, then stop explaining yourself, and go live it.