Q: I have a 14-year-old daughter who is diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (meds caused her to feel panicky and scared, so she’s not on meds). She spends her days in bed watching videos on her phone and says no to every suggestion of an activity.
She is obsessed with certain shows and is extremely intelligent in how she analyzes and exhaustively discusses them but doesn’t care about school or homework. Her grades are fine but not outstanding and she is in regular level classes. I’m scared to take her phone away (I know that sounds crazy). She is extremely strong willed — more so than I seem to be — and a black-and-white thinker.
I’m divorced and her dad has half custody, but he does his own thing and generally goes left when I go right. Our communication is deliberately absent. Do you have any guidance for me going forward? I feel like I’m failing her.
A: I can feel your fear through the letter. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you can’t reach a child you love, and when you feel that way, you begin to panic that you are “failing her.”
To begin, you aren’t failing her. You clearly know her likes and dislikes, you are trying to get her out of her room and you have started her in therapy. All of these examples show me that you care and you’re trying, which matters.
Not to mention, ADHD in girls can be confounding. I found this quote to be especially telling from the Child Mind Institute: “Stigma is stronger against subtle disorders than obvious ones: ‘You’re bright. You should have it together! What’s wrong with you?’ The very subtlety and inconstancy of the symptoms fuels stigma — it doesn’t reduce it,” says Stephen Hinshaw, who chairs the psychology department at the University of California at Berkeley.
You report that your daughter is doing well enough in school and is intelligent when it comes to analyzing shows, so it can be easy to forget that she has true struggles happening inside her mind. Parenting a child with this invisible issue is challenging, so please treat yourself with compassion.
As a coach, I’m always going to want to know when the seclusion began and what factors, if any, led up to it. So often experts can say, “Oh, it’s the ADHD …” but humans are complex. Is her withdrawal pandemic related? Were there any other transitions or traumas? Bullying? Anxiety and depression related to her ADHD? (It’s typical to have these co-occurring.) Boredom? Hormones? All of the above?
I don’t want to overwhelm you with questions, but the first thing we need to accept is that she is doing her best to cope with her emotions. She is not alone in checking out with TV and bingeing shows; TV is an excellent way to quiet voices of anxiety, fear and loneliness, but as you know, emotions never just “disappear.” They wait and come out as anger, obsessive thinking and withdrawal. Make a list of when the behaviors began, when they got worse, what else has changed in her life and take your daughter for a full work-up with her pediatrician.
How should you better connect with your daughter? I would recommend a small, simple step that is right in front of you: Share the TV interests with her. Whatever she is watching and has these deep interests in, join her in them. It doesn’t matter how boring or strange you may find the shows, the point is that you are using them to connect with your daughter. She’s 14 and she’s bright, so don’t insult her intelligence by pretending to love everything she loves, but you can definitely say, “I know forcing you to walk with me isn’t fun, but we are going to start to watch your shows, every day. I really want to understand what you love about them.” Be persistent in showing up, even if you get eye rolls.
As your daughter thaws in this connection, I would suggest using the Ross Greene CPS Model (Collaborative & Proactive Solutions) to find a different way to communicate with your daughter. While it is clear that getting out of her room, away from some screens, and fresh air and movement would improve your daughter’s life (they improve almost everyone’s life categorically), the only way to meet her in the middle is to fully understand her needs and point of view. The reason I love the CPS model is that it fully integrates empathy for the child while appreciating that the caregiver has a point of view and wisdom to offer. This approach isn’t an overnight fix, but it is respectful, effective and easy to learn and use.
In the meantime, think about hiring a parent coach who specializes in ADHD and girls. You can read books (the Child Mind Institute has a good list). While there are some great ones, targeted support will move the needle faster.
As your skills improve, you can empower your daughter to understand herself better and not just survive, but thrive. We can, and should, expect and shoot for better for girls with ADHD. Stay hopeful and believe in yourself and her. Good luck.